Sometimes I deliberately avert eye contact because I want to hide. I don’t want to hide myself or my thoughts – that’s public domain. The most sacred part of myself that only a select few people are allowed to see is that part that houses all of my feelings. So I hide it and tuck it safely behind vault doors, under strict lock and key. Sometimes I let down my facade because I don’t care, but most of the time I obscure my essence, keeping it away from prying eyes. I store it behind labyrinths, walls, and magically spelled locks. It’s not that I’m insecure; but quite the opposite. I feel very secure about myself and the world that I live in – that’s why everything about me is pretty much already out there. The only real secrets and uniqueness I have is how I feel. Feelings are so convoluted – almost like an encrypted code that only you truly understand. People can identify, empathize, and attempt to help you heal or “feel better”, but until you can accept it and really do it on your own, their cares only carry so much weight. They wouldn’t really understand unless you opened the floodgates and bared your soul to them.
Eyes are the window to the soul and so much more. They are often the worn glassy windows behind which is truth. I believe that the soul and core of the human spirit is inherently pure and truthful. It can be pure good as much as it can be pure evil. Good and evil are merely ends of the spectrum; we usually fall somewhere in between. With that said, if our eyes are indeed the means by which people can see the last remaining shred of truth in you, then they are worth protecting. That’s why sometimes I don’t look people in the eyes. I’m not afraid, intimidated, or anxious. I don’t lack self-esteem or confidence. I’m protecting my eyes and protecting you in the process. Because not everyone is built or equipped to handle the intense pain I harbor. Not by a long shot.
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